As I slip into madness
Soul crushing, splitting into parts detached, unknown
I crave for your arms
Small, strong and warm
The way they used to hold me
Up against the wall
The way they used to push me away
Deep, unrelenting, like cars skidding past
The way they carried your strength and my weakness
I cave in to the deep recesses
Of the last mementos of my fear
And my love, I am afraid
They slowly drift away
I am afraid that I will not love you
To let you go is my greatest fear
Let me squeeze in these last moments
That I remember how beautiful your soul is
Impenetrable, loved and whole
Eyes strong, full of wonder and hope
Let me remember you
In the way you shone brightest
I loved your scars as I detested my own
We’re so far gone from the way we were
I wished gloves were made for hearts that blaze with fire
I wish I can keep these tiny fragments of what once was, the shiniest of them all
And keep them in a tiny chain that intertwines with the ventricles of my heart to keep you close
But soon as I say these words, they fall out of my mind, my heart little by little
Forming web spaces in the places that held my fires of love for you
Your name, your eyes in the light of dawn
You hair tousled in the wind, tousled in sleep
The way you sip coffee as if it was the sweetest drink, how you slowly minced onions
And my sanity not with a knife but with silences and words not acceptable for sunday school
I wished to keep only the best but the nightmares keep on clinging
I fear not for these nightmares
I fear that as I keep you in my heart, I lose myself again
How often did we say forever
How often did we needed to be reminded to keep the bullets off deck and keep the guns unloaded
How often did you lose yourself with her
How often did I remind myself not jump off the 26th, every 26th
Oh God, I wished this to be a happy poem
But I’ve wished for so many things and I lost track which ones were for me or for you
Let me catch myself again, in the marshes
by the sea in the hopes of finding what I have lost when I found you
And when I return I’ll remember how it is
To delight in the wind, to feel the sand in my feet, to remember that dish that was your favorite, to remember again what drew me to you, to remember love in its glory and not completely forget as I’ve forgotten all other things
